Without the Turks there would be no EU today, says Turkish German comedy artist Muhsin Omurca (OMU.). According to the "father of migrant cabaret", the EU and Turkey belong together "like a pot and its lid"

You know the legend of Noah's Ark.

But what you may not know is the story of "ashure."

Ashure is a kind of dessert, but by no means "just any kind." Because the origins of ashure goes back to Noah's Ark. After Noah's Ark had traveled for a while the food supplies slowly started running out. How was Noah supposed to keep his animals alive until he reached Mt. Ararat? He put everything he could still find in the pantry into a giant pot and cooked it in a lot of water. Everyone, humans and animals, ate from the same pot. And as we know, they all survived. That's why on certain days every year we Turks celebrate the salvation of humans and animals by cooking ashure and sharing it with our neighbors – something Germans don't know.

Nowadays ashure is made of beans, chickpeas, grains, pistachios, apricots, walnuts, raisins, water, cinnamon, cloves, a dash of salt, and a bit of sugar. All in all, nothing but characteristic and very diverse ingredients. "Hot muesli soup," so to speak.

The European Union could just as well be called "Ashure Union." Because whenever they talk about admitting Turkey, they emphasize "what Europeans have in common and how different they are from Turkey." Whenever I think about what the Finnish and the Greeks, the Estonians and the Andalusians, the Belgians and the Rumanians have in common, I immediately get an aftertaste of this dessert from Noah's kitchen.

Granted, ashure gives you flatulence, with or without Turkey.

How often did they interrupt their battles against one another to unite against the Turks? It's a good thing that the Turks appeared on the eastern horizon every once in a while, otherwise the Europeans would have wiped themselves out. There wouldn't be any Europeans today. The conclusion: They owe their existence to us Turks.

Moreover, Europeans repeatedly united because of the Turks. Without the Turks they could never have unified. Thanks to the Turks they have founded a union. Without us Turks there would be no EU today.

 

In other words, we are more or less the "external co-founders" of the EU.

Turkey und Europe are two counterparts, which complement each other like a "pot and a lid," top and bottom, North and South, alpha and omega. We are yin and yang.

We Turks spent thousands of years searching in the West for our own yang, and in this cul-de-sac named "Europe" we finally found it. Our fate is sealed. We can no longer do without the Europeans. And the more masochistic we Turks behave, the more sadistic the EU acts.

The EUmans are coming!

But with no desire to get hitched. So far the Europeans have always dictated their norms to us. Now it's our turn. Here are a few Turkish standards:

1. You are adamant about wanting us to give you Cyprus, but it's not going to happen. We can't give you Cyprus; it's against our tradition. It's our custom to marry off the older daughter first, not the younger one.

2. Turks understand "cleanliness" to be "taharatlanmak." In short, Europeans use toilet paper, we use water. That's why our toilets have facilities called "taharat muslugu" for this purpose. Therefore if we ever make it into the EU, every toilet from Portugal to Malta, from Latvia to Sicily must have "taharat muslugu" (except for the Finnish, they've already installed them). In case of an emergency we will also accept cola bottles filled with water.

3. The shadow of every mountain in Europe will be observed from every angle, and every area in which the shadows resemble "Atatürk" will be listed as a historical monument and cordoned off. The grazing of animals of any kind will be prohibited on these sacred grounds.

4. A law will make defiling the European flag illegal. With immediate effect nobody will be allowed to play soccer with the EU flag or to wear it as a bikini. Because one of these innumerable stars is ours. Nevertheless, we are willing to compromise: If someone still insists on wearing it, then the utmost care will be taken to ensure that our Turkish star does not fall directly in the genital area.

5. Democracy is an extremely sensitive affair. It is hypersensitive and must be protected. This task will be entrusted to the military.

6. As soon as we become full members of the EU, the dream of the Ottomans will finally come true and the goal of our Ottoman ancestors will be attained. Istanbul will then be the capital of the EUman Empire, and EU citizens will no longer be called "Europeans," but "EUmans."